You would think that because of the last eight years of deep soul-searching and self-exploration through hundreds of self-help books, a disciplined yoga study, life coach training, therapy, meditation, and a bajillion girl-talks, I'd have a lot of the OBVIOUS self-help-shticky-shite figured out. #selfhelpshtickyshite
To be fair, I think I've come a long way since the hot mess I was in my late 20's, but certain things like ummmm…. FEAR for example, continue to creep up and terrify me in ways that I admittedly assure my clients are just silly tricks the mind is playing on them.
Of course being alone is uncomfortable, but feel the fear and do it anyway! There's GOLD to discover on the other side!
I know quitting your job is terrifying but LEAP AND THE NET WILL APPEAR!!!
Exposing your most authentic self is scarily vulnerable, I know-- what will others think? But trust me --once you do, YOU'LL FEEL SO FREEEEEEEE!!!!
CUT TO, yours truly entering into a relationship that actually means something to her for the first time in years, and all these gems of wisdom fly out the feckin' window.
The ego steals my Irish father's expression for BS--HORSESHITE, as I attempt to apply the above words of encouragement towards my own STILL-NOT-FULLY-HEALED self from past emotionally abusive relationships, as frustrating as it is for this little life coach to admit…
You’re better off on your own. Your needs will never be met in a romantic relationship. You’re too high maintenance. Feel that panic in your body? That means "RUN!"
The good news is, I DO HAVE THE TOOLS AND SUPPORT to not let this gobshite (my ego) sabotage this new chapter, (as tempting as the idea of running can be) allowing my deepest, knowing self to recognize he isn't a gas-lighter from my past, despite old triggers being ignited, thanks to the savvy universe work work work work workin' on my shiiiit.
One particular tool that has been extremely helpful as of late, was introduced to me 7 years ago by an angel in life, @lizelkinsnewcomer, called The Enneagram- a model of the human psyche which is principally understood and taught as a typology of nine interconnected personality types. Check out Liz's site for more info on the 9 types, and to schedule a session with her--she's AMAZING!
(Also, if you've been following @claireyourmind for a while, you might remember our story of how we repaired our friendship back in January, and it thrills me to share that we couldn't be closer today in the twenty years we've known each other.)
My Enneagram type--the 6, known as the Skeptic/Loyalist, uses FEAR as my main vice to spiral in times of stressful situations. Yes, we ALL experience fear in our lives, but for 6’s, FEAR can be all-consuming, causing us to "fight or fly" as a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt when perhaps there's nothing to fight or run from...
Last week, Liz reminded me that the 6's work is to move from fear (my vice) to COURAGE (my virtue) in times of stress or self-doubt.
I like to think of myself as a pretty courageous person, but again, in intimate relationships when the old triggers are pulled, the idea of authentically cultivating courage feels like an impossibility...
I sat on the phone, intellectually "mm-hmmming" the idea of choosing courage over fear, and without me whining, "But Liz that's SO. harrrrrrrd," she offered me one of the best Aha's I've received in 2017--something I KNOW I've heard before, but it finally landed on a deeper level...
Claire, keep in mind that courage isn't the opposite of fear, despite one being your vice and the other your virtue--THE OPPOSITE OF FEAR IS LOVE and when you choose love, it's easier to move towards being courageous.
This doesn't mean deciding I'm in love with someone I've only known for a season, but choosing to BE LOVE-- understanding all of who he is, how he operates, trusting his intentions and ACTIONS, as well as LOVING MYSELF through the process by...
Continuing to be in my life: showing up to therapy, meditating daily, exercising, surrounding myself with friends like family in crazy Tinsel Town, and humbling myself by admitting to my guy, my friends, and yes, EVEN MY CLIENTS...
THAT OUR WORK IS NEVER DONE, AND THAT'S OK!
How boring would it be if it was?!!
Be love. Embrace courage. Even if you're not a "six" like me, I bet there's at least ONE issue in your life that's causing fear. Before you get to a courageous action, can you just choose love? Love of the other person. Love for yourself. Or perhaps love for the lesson that will keep resurfacing until you embrace it head on with grace and yes, COURAGE.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday. Taking on THREE MORE CLIENTS. Gather up some self-love that will perhaps lead to the courageous act of giving life-coaching a try…