Merry Christmas Eve, Loves.
It has been a heavy time of year for a few of those close to me, and frankly, for myself.
There are illnesses and several deaths that I simply cannot fathom and continue to be in complete denial about. Also, several clients are in a lot of pain dealing with heartbreak and loneliness, which feels extra amped up over the holidays.
As a heartbreak coach, I’m someone who isn’t afraid to lean into the pain of such tragedies that are occurring around me. And when the tendency to judge my denial arises, I gently remind myself that whatever I’m feeling is completely OK.
Things hit us when they’re supposed to—like when I attended a kundalini yoga class for the first time in ages last week, and the unexpected, cathartic tears spilled on to my mat. I felt lighter, calmer, and at ease.
However, when I left yoga, (and apparently my heart and body), I let my head indulge in ALL THE MIND DRAMA AGAIN, reminding me of how I didn’t hit my business goal for 2019, and how irritated and EXHAUSTED I felt, putting so much energy back into my dating life.
Later that night, I got an unexpected reach-out from a client who was #TAF. (Triggered As F$#%) She was devastated by the news that her ex had moved on with someone else, and he wasn’t making it a secret to their mutual friends.
ALLLLL the very human thoughts that were all too familiar from previous heartbreaks that I’ve experienced, came up for her :
He replaced me
His relationship with her is more serious than the relationship we had.
He was a terrible partner and yet he managed to find someone before me.
He’s doing things with her that he never did with me.
So much of what I do as a heartbreak coach, is guide my clients in diffusing their painful thoughts, but when they say, “I know those thoughts aren’t true,” I know that’s actually NOT true for them in that moment.
We NEED to look at what we’re believing, because what we believe creates the painful feelings that drive the actions like asking friends about his life, which then results in MORE HEARTBREAK.
I see so clearly how badly she wants to heal, but HER COMMITMENT TO INDULGING HER LACK OF SELF-WORTH, BASED ON HER EX’s ACTIONS, is still stronger than her desire to heal.
And we’ve all been there…. Wanting to lose the 10lbs, but finding it way easier to indulge in fast food and remain sedentary instead.
Wanting to quit over-spending, but OMG-- that DREAM DRESS I’VE BEEN EYEING IS NOW 70% OFF!
So we remain heartbroken, uncomfortable in our bodies, and anxious/pissed at ourselves, every time the credit card statement arrives.
My client admitted, “I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to stop asking friends or checking social media,” as this has been a goal of hers in our work together.
My tough mama-bear came out:
IT’S A DECISION YOU DRUDGE UP FROM WITHIN.
NOTHING ELSE NEEDS TO HAPPEN OUTSIDE OF YOU, IN ORDER TO DECIDE YOU WILL NOT TO BE IN HIS BUSINESS, OR MAKE MEANING OUT OF YOUR WORTH BASED ON WHAT YOU LEARN ABOUT HIS BUSINESS ANYMORE.
It’s AMAZING how much our brains want to also indulge the “I-don’t-know-how” story, which is what she responded with, despite having gone over ALL the things she could do to actively move forward many times, that go BEYOND the THOUGHT-WORK.
This is NOT to shame my client. Again-- WE ALL DO THIS. It’s like “we know how” to lose the weight, but do we really?
Because if we did, WHY AREN’T SO MANY OF US DOING IT?
I reminded her of the many actionable steps she could take:
1) STOP CHECKING SOCIAL MEDIA.
2) STOP ASKING YOUR FRIENDS FOR INFORMATION.
3) TELL YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS TO NOT GIVE YOU INFO IF YOU SLIP UP AND ASK. (It’s like getting sober and asking friends to go for a hike with you instead of going to the bar.)
4) MEDITATE WITH THE PAIN DAILY
5) DO THOUGHT WORK EVERY DAMN DAY
6) REREAD A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS THAT DIDN’T WORK FOR YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP
7) REACH OUT TO CLAIRE EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO CHECK SOCIAL MEDIA
8) DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM MUTUAL FRIENDS
9) VISUALIZE AND START THINKING ABOUT THE KIND OF MAN YOU DO DESERVE AND THE WOMAN YOU NEED TO BE TO ATTRACT HIM! HE’S OUT THERE!
Sure, time and space can heal wounds…but TEACHING YOUR BRAIN JUST HOW GOD DAMN STRONG AND WORTHY YOU REALLY ARE, is FOR SURE, the quickest way through it—all the while cultivating the UTMOST self-compassion for the pockets of pain that come up.
I woke up the next day, thinking about my huge-hearted empathic client, and it was just plain and simple to me that SHE’S NOT BELIEVING it’s possible to get over him. She’s NOT BELIEVING she’ll feel the connection to someone else that she felt with this guy.
And I was reminded by what my coach offers in times like these: When your clients aren’t doing something you KNOW they need to do, in order to get where they want to go, ask IF YOU’RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN LIFE.
And it hit my like a ton of bricks. I’ve been in MAJOR disbelief about managing my business and dating life simultaneously. For so long, I thought, I CAN ONLY FOCUS ON ONE THING, and I still see the power in doing just that.
But I made an empowered decision with my coach a couple of months back that I REALLY WANTED TO FOCUS ON BOTH. And not only did I believe it was possible to have success and FUN in both areas, my coach believed I could too!
I allowed myself to believe that if one more emotionally unavailable dude comes knocking on my door, I’LL LOSE MY SHIT.
I allowed myself to believe that the incredible success I had with my business from July-Oct was because I tabled dating.
My other mentor, Brooke Castillo, talks about how it’s MUCH EASIER to BELIEVE when the things we want ACTUALLY HAPPEN.
But when we’re focusing on the LACK OF EVIDENCE in our present, we’re NOT CREATING ROOM FOR WHAT WE WANT TO COME IN!
THIS IS WHERE OUR WORK LIES, MY LOVES!
Not only is it our belief that needs to come into alignment with what we want, we then need to IMPLEMENT MASSIVE ACTION to SUPPORT SAID BELIEF AS IF THE RESULTS ARE ALREADY HERE!!!
I believe my man is out there.
I believe I will create a multiple six-figure business in 2019.
And EVERY DAY, I need to show up as if both have already happened!
Focusing on Mr. Unavailable’s or indulging in “I-don’t-know-how” after creating an almost six figure business in 2018, AIN’T GONNA GET ME THERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CREATE OR ATTRACT?
DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?
Don’t know how?
MESSAGE ME FOR A FREE CONSULTATION AND LET’S MAKE YOUR 2019 A DREAM.