How many of you think about all the qualities you “need” your man or ideal man to be for you to feel good?
I for sure do.
I want him to be Generous. Attentive. Kind. Affectionate. Funny. Charming. Stylish. Committed. Loyal. Honest. Attractive. Smart. Cultured. Ambitious. Emotionally available. Anti-Trump.
Ok fine— the last one for SURE is a non-negotiable for me.
But the rest all seem like pretty reasonable desires, right?
I’m not arguing that they’re unreasonable qualities to seek out in a partner, but I see so often how this trips up so many of my single clients, friends, and even those IN committed relationships.
And ummm… ME.
We’re so focused on who he is, how he shows up, what he says and does (or doesn’t!), that we’re not really connecting to OURSELVES.
“But Claire, when he’s generous or sends me a sweet text, it let’s me know that he’s interested and is thinking of me, which makes me feel WORTHY and LOVED!”
It’s your THOUGHTS about that person that makes you feel worthy and loved.
So what’s it going to take to tap into the feelings of worthiness, self-love, self-compassion, loving kindness, warmth, and SECURITY you CRAVE from your partner, and instead cultivate all of these desired feels for YOURSELF??
Look, I’m not saying you don’t want to attract a fabulous partner, or that there are some qualities in your current partner you simply don’t want to love, and YOU DON’T HAVE TO.
But EVERY time (yes EVERY) time we’re needing someone to be something they’re not, we’re asking for PAIN.
I’m all about effective communication with a partner to see if perhaps a little more physical affection would be something he’d be interested in offering because it’s something that you crave, but WHAT IF HE REFUSES TO?
You get to DECIDE the MEANING you want to make out of him not wanting to express himself in that way. You get to DECIDE if it’s a deal breaker.
And full transparency, this would be a tough one for me, but I wouldn’t know it was a deal breaker until I was IN the relationship.
Perhaps he WAS physically affectionate at one point but then became withdrawn.
The life coach in me would want to explore that vs FIGHT IT and get curious at a time when I sense he might be more open to have a conversation vs MAKE DEMANDS THAT THIS IS WHAT I NEED AND IF YOU DON’T GIVE IT THEN I’M OUT.
As I type the above, I feel a little residual shame because I used to be that woman who would look for all the reasons to bounce.
Frankly, I have a tendency to still do it, but I now have the tools to check myself and a fabulous VILLAGE of coaches and women who hold me accountable to not let FEAR take over my DEEPEST desire, which is to find true love.
We are SUCH complex humans, loves. The older I get, the more I realize that NOTHING is black and white when it comes to our closest relationships.
Stay open. Go deep within. Ask yourself what your supposed need from him is REALLY about, and if it’s possible for you to fulfill that need for yourself.
Finally, I’ll leave you with a gem of a concept MY coach, Stacey Smith, shared on my recent business retreat in Cabo.
She said that before she met her fiance, she thought about the kind of man she was searching for. And then she thought about the kind of WOMAN the man of her desires would be looking for, and she BECAME that woman.
Now don’t freak out— this isn’t about molding to become someone you’re not. This is coming from a space of desiring the highest quality human, and then wanting to be that highest quality human to match him.
This is something that has really stuck with me in the last week…
The man I desire is just pure good. A solid human. He’s hilarious. Kind. And he’s looking for a woman to knock his socks off and challenge his bullshit. He wants a family, like me, and he isn’t afraid to go after what he wants… ie ME. ;)
So who’s the woman I need to be for him?
She’s NO BULLSHIT. (check!) She’s vulnerable and kind and fun and generous. She’s flexible and easy going, but not a doormat and isn’t afraid to implement boundaries so that her own self-care practice and work aren’t compromised. She challenges him in a loving but sometimes brutally honest way, and DOESN’T NEED HIM TO MAKE HER HAPPY.
We are both just a lovely addition to each other’s life.
I’m gonna continue to sit with this belief and manifest the F out of this beautiful relationship that I know is waiting for me at the perfect time and in perfect place.
While fully believing your person is out there, become the BEST version of yourself. And if you’re already in a relationship?
BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday from DUBLIN!